All Players: Here, here!
GM: Thank you, thank you. The written material was…
Ichabod: …not as good as the GM who presented it. You are the man.
GM: No, you are the man.
Ichabod: No YOU’RE the man.
GM: Yes, I suppose I am the man.
Waldemar: The way you presented all the clues, allowing us to pick up the complex plot and propelling us into the next encounter; just incredible!
Troll Slayer: I couldn’t believe who the Black Cowl turned out to be in the end. That was a Keyser Soze moment.
GM: Well, the clues were all there, you guys just put them all together.
Albrect: Not without your expert guidance.
All Players: Who’s the best?! Ben! Ben! Ben!
(wibbly wobbly wibbly wobbly)
Ichabod: Ben! Ben!
Ben! Will someone wake him up?
GM: Huh? Wha... what’s happening?Troll Slayer: You went all Walter Mitty on us for a second there.
Ichabod: I said, “Now that the Demigryph has been killed I want to go and loot the bodies”
GM: (Oh no, I’m back here again…)
GM: You want to loot the bodies? Of the people you were defending when the Demigryph got loose?
Ichabod: Yes. They must’ve been carrying a stackload of gems and coins.
GM: Fine. You see a noblewoman lying on the ground. She has a deep wound in her stomach and she’s bleeding profusely. She calls to you pitifully as you move over and…
Ichabod: Any gems?
GM: (sigh)
GM: She has a gem encrusted necklace smeared in blood that…
Ichabod: ...will do nicely!
Ichabod continues to help the dead
and dying by performing Last Rites. The,
“I touched this Last, so it’s mine by Rite” routine.
Time to start the real write up…
The Enemy Within (is actually the
players themselves) – Day: Who Cares?
Graf Friedrich von Kaufmann is in a state.
The garden party he planned for after his Southlands Expedition returned has been thoroughly
wrecked; his prize exhibit stolen, a good portion of his guests and the
Averheim nobility killed or wounded, and his rare Demigryph dead (at the hands
of brave, brave Captain Bauerfast).
Step forward
the party to take charge of the situation.
Troll
Slayer: Are there any sandwiches left?
Waldemar:
The buffet bench got kicked over, but the food is still there.Troll Slayer: (treading over the bodies of the dead and wounded) Ooh, a spring roll! I love these!
In an
attempt to bring order to the chaos, Albrecht decides to tell the Witch Hunter,
Adele Ketzenblum, about Dagoberdt not having a wizard’s licence. Albrecht notices that Adele is happy to take the word of someone she doesn't know and strides directly to the Gold wizard. Her manner is hostile and confrontational.
Dagoberdt's sponsor, and all round cockhead, von Tuchtenhagen, steps in to defend his man. Graf Friedrich also gravitates towards the burgeoning fracas and soon a full blown argument has broken out.
As the nobles jostle each other, Albrecht casually unslings his bow and notches an arrow. The Troll Slayer also moves up into a flanking position. Bauerfast notices the actions of the 2 warriors and signals his men to encircle the group.
Despite his protestations of innocence, Dagorberdt is lead away by Bauerfast's men. "It's the only way to keep him alive" explains Bauerfast, who hints that Adele would take him away for a summary burning this very second. The party look crestfallen at Dagorberdt's lucky escape.
Waldemar: Shall we just pitch over the fence? Looks pretty high.
GM: (please do that, please do that)
Albrecht: There must be a better way in? I'm looking around.
GM: (damn) Well, I suppose you do notice a large sluice drain that points out to the river. It's low tide.
Albrecht: Gentlemen, we have our way in.
The party soon make their way into the drain. Wisely, they let Albrecht go first as the most stealthy of the group. However, they forget that his ghost like steps do not mask the thunderously clumsy footfalls of the rest of the party who insist on following close behind. The Skaven up ahead have ample time to prepare and make ready their ambush.
The Skaven give the players a hard time, firing spells and bolts down the cramped pipeway. The Troll Slayer is particularly badly injured.
Troll Slayer: I see you remembered that part, but not how much gold we're owed. Thanks.
The players doggedly
proceed up the tunnel despite their injuries.
Not because the townsfolk expect it and not because they’re being
paid. No, they proceed like heroes. Because the only thing a hero wants at the
end of an adventure is… the character advance.
Waldemar: What are you going to
spend your advance on Tom?
Troll Slayer: I’m going to change
careers, got all my Troll Slayer advances now.Waldemar: Ahh, become a Giant Slayer!
Troll Slayer: What? No. I want to be a Scribe.
Albrecht: How does that make any sense?
Troll Slayer: I killed that ogre right at the start of the campaign. I feel I’ve explored the Slayer path quite well already. I could write about my adventures.
GM: So now you’re going to become a Scroll Slayer?
All Players: (Collective groan)
Ichabod: You promised you wouldn’t repeat that joke in the write up!
GM: Come on, it was comedy gold! I couldn’t deprive my readers of that little gem.
Albrecht: Your readers being us and 2 other randoms on the internet, including the famous literary critic, Anonymous18?
GM: Exactly! I’m famous.
Ichabod: Why can’t you write these as they were meant to be written, i.e. you just making them up.
Albrect: I’m going to go for
Layabout career. Then I don’t have to
pay as much attention during the game and can mainly concentrate on playing
Candy Crush on my phone.
Ichabod: How’s that different from
what you do now!?Waldemar: I’ve gone one better. I’m going to change careers and become an NPC. That way I don’t even have to turn up. The GM runs my character and I can just read the write ups whilst doing something more interesting with my time.
Albrecht: What are you spending your advance on Darren?
Ichabod: The only advance I care about is advancing out of this fucking campaign.
The party finally battle their way past the rabid Skaven, kill the leader and watch helplessly as the third Skaven, the sorcerer, teleports away to safety. As the party search the area, they find a collection of bodies. Thirteen to be precise. Although one is still standing.
GM: You recognize the small form of Ute standing raggedly before you. Her chest shows the same gaping wound of the other twelve bodies, where her heart has been ripped out. Her dead eyes stare mournfully into yours and she slowly raises a hand towards you in desperate longing.
Stepping forward, Ichabod raises his club and staves her head in. Ute's corpse falls instantly to his feet, this time truly dead. The others respectfully pause for a moment as Ichabod's previous love lies before him in a wretched heap. There are no words. Except from Ichabod, lamenting his lost love.
Ichabod: How much XP do I get for her?
Waldemar finds an iron brazier containing the charred remains of thirteen hearts. He knows that thirteen is a sacred number to Skaven. The party also find part of the missing gold plaque that was stolen and... ooh, what's this? Must be important as it has it's own Clue Card. A corrupted Bell Clapper. What could this be for?
Here ends Book 1.
Ichabod: FUCK YEAH! I'm outta here. See you later super losers!
(Probaby not) to be continued...
Great write up. Easily our finest hour! Roll on book 2 your not getting out of it that easy.
ReplyDelete